December 6, 2018



My husband and I traveled a lot before we got married. When we drove into a hotel one evening, I met a schoolmate, let’s call her Agnes, who came to a movie audition. We exchanged pleasantries and I introduced her to my husband. I didn’t like the way he hugged her and his smile wasn’t the same old smile he gave everyone else. When my husband suggested we sat briefly for a drink, I declined.  We soon checked into our room and before long, he said he had a few discussions with the hotel manager, whom he claimed was his classmate. He returned after an hour, beaming. I could smell his anxiety. In a split second, I was on the warpath- responding to his questions with questions, rejecting the snacks he got, going berserk about the faucet he didn’t turn off properly after taking a shower, his shaving stick he left in the sink, yelling at him for droning endlessly about topics I didn’t care about and choosing to sit at the table until he slept. The following morning, he said he forgot his shoes in the car and needed to get them. “I’ll help you get them.” I said. “No. Thanks. I’ll like to have a word with my friend, the manager.” He slammed the door as though he was warring with it. The pounding in my temples were painful, as if there was something trapped inside of me trying to escape. I took deep breaths, at the same time, trying to figure out what exactly was going on with him. A peek through the window satisfied my curiosity – Agnes and my husband were locked in a warm embrace. It didn’t seem they both wanted the moment to end.

⁕After a ton of apologies, amidst torrents of tears streaming down his cheeks, and accusing the devil of pushing him into the act, I let it go. And did he change as promised? No!  A cheat never changes. He only gets better at the game.⁕

I have read a lot of stories about heartbroken ladies who go like, I never saw the signs. And I say that’s baloney.  Sometimes, we see red flags flapping violently in the wind, but we want to be sure we aren’t color blind.  In my own case, it was a huge banner telling me to get out immediately and never look back. The fear of waiting for another suitor kept me in the wrong relationship and hoping he would change when we eventually settled. If this is you, it’s time to cut it. If he doesn’t change before you are married, he isn’t going to change when you are married. If like my husband, he tilts his side mirror each time he sees a heavily endowed woman, don’t expect him to change when you are married. He’s going to continue tilting the mirror and staring until the car rams into a building. Be wise! Forgiveness must be earned not given freely just to get over it. If his words do not align with his actions, then, the relationship is technically over and it’s time to move on. Does he cry every time you find him guilty of infidelity? It’s because he was caught not because he hurt you. If he truly was sorry the first time, he wouldn’t be a repeat offender. Quit now!

One of the things I overlooked during courtship was the fact that my husband was a chronic liar. Someone said he had a PhD in lying. Listen, being out-and-out lied to is a no-brainer. Run for the hills. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with one who says good morning to you and you go to check your time just to be sure it’s still morning. When it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right. Everyone has their quirks, and someone who is a bit different isn’t a reason to take off. But it’s a major red flag if you find yourself compromising on yourself and feeling uncomfortable. If you find yourself second guessing, seeking opinion from friends and colleagues, asking him if he really does love you, then he certainly doesn’t love you. My friend, that’s a surefire red flag. The reassurances you seek from your partner are only momentary and fleeting. There would be no doubts when the right one comes. It just feels right. Without trust, there’s no reason to continue. When you find yourself saying, “I trust him but…” then you don’t trust him. There is no in-between. Its either you trust him or you don’t trust him. Be honest to yourself.

Some ladies are involved with a ghost. They are in a relationship by themselves waiting for the man to join in. I understand the pressure from family and friends to get married is crippling, but remember you and only you would deal with the outcome. A woman doesn’t necessarily have to be married to be happy. The question is not when you got married, but how you are enjoying the marriage. My marriage lasted four years. Do I have the moral right to criticize women who are unmarried at the age of 34? That is where my ink drains.  There is more to marriage than just the seemingly attractive title, MRS. This is the reason most girls are clinging to toxic and abusive men and praying they would change at some point. Sadly, they never change.

Another important point to consider is the opinions of significant family. If there is something off that seems obvious to those who know you so well, you may need to listen to what they are telling you. The first time my parents met my husband, they discovered he was bossy, controlling and arrogant. “Hey, he isn’t good for you.” They said. “Well, I need to find out myself.” I argued. Before the next family meeting, I was already pregnant.  Hearing criticisms about your love may not be welcome, but others may see things more clearly from an outsider’s perspective.  It’s important to hear them out. Most importantly, seek direction from God. Place your future in his hands. He knows exactly what you deserve.

Some women walk down the aisle of the church muttering, “Am I sure I’m doing the right thing? Lord, please, save me.” That’s the silent scream of a desperate heart that is in love with the idea of love, in love with the hope that he will love her so well that she will finally feel good about herself. Don’t make this tragic mistake. Love yourself so much that people start to love you just like you love yourself. When you love yourself, you gravitate towards real people – people who love themselves. If you do not value yourself, you attract people who support that devalued image. You train people how to treat you by how your treat yourself.

Learn to trust what you feel. Your hunch is probably right. Gut feelings are guardian angels. Don’t ignore them. Better to be single and happy than married and miserable. Don’t be me. Cut it before it cuts you.



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